


The struggle

by Skyedaz



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Friendship, Love, Other, Sadness, School
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2019-10-12 16:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17471084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyedaz/pseuds/Skyedaz
Summary: My life basically





	1. Intro

This book will somehow try and help you through whatever you are going through.I have had my fair share of shit but some details I would like to keep private but I will go over them briefly in future chapters.This book is sort of a diary but not at the same time.I don't really have a name for it but it's about general life struggles that I encounter upon this horrible,endless journey that we all face to find the reason why the hell we are breathing.Its more of 'if you feel you need help with something,read this and it might help' kind of thing.This book is gonna be 100% honest so if you don't like what I'm saying then don't read it.If it's just gonna upset you then this book holds no original purpose.This book will contain sensitive subjects such as depression,self harm,suicide.If you don't like that stuff,please don't read if it will hurt you in any way.My only goal is to spread positivity as much as I can and help people.Feel free to comment any of your life struggle and I will see if I can help in any way.


	2. Chapter 2

My childhood was pretty normal.I didn't have a bad childhood but I did experience a lot of heartbreak quite a bit during year 6.I did ballet for about 8 years and stopped when I went into year 7.Now that I look back I want to start again but it won't get me anywhere because my body has become less strong and flexible so I'll be back to square one and be at the place I was when I'm 22.In year 6 was when I first found love and that I had a talent for art.I think that's why I left the life my mum wanted me to have to find my own life.

 

I fell in love with this guy called Jacob Garrity and he was my whole world.We dated for a long time and we helped each-other out a lot.Year 6 was when we were learning what sex was and we were trying to understand our bodies.I remember wanting to start my period!I was so innocent.Our love was really strong and I trusted him with my heart.

 

But when I found out we were going to different schools,it broke my heart.We kept dating through summer but we lost touch when we started year 7.We broke up and I haven't spoke to him since...even when,just recently,he moved to my school.Im afraid to talk to him,actually.I have no clue why.He's just so popular I don't dare.I did have a dream about him a couple days ago.I should really talk to him.

 

I did have a childhood friend that I haven't spoken too in 3 years.I have known him for my whole life but by year 6 we didn't talk that much anymore.We had so much fun together.I can't remember a time we weren't together.I would always stay over almost every weekend and his friends were my friends and it was great.We would play some war games kind of inspired by Star Wars.He has this big,wooden playground thing that had a slide and shit.We would form up into two groups and one group owned the 'castle' and the other group had to get to the control centre without being caught.It was cool at the time,ok!

 

I had another childhood friend that was my main bitch.We get along so well and we still do now.We had a lot of good times together.We did fight,yes,but friends fight at some point.We were the three amigos:Me,Keiran and Amelia,Us against the world.Together from the start.I really need to talk to them!

 

Primary school was a very innocent time for me.There wasn't any mean girls or mean boys,there were just popular boys and popular girls.I was sort of a popular girl.Everyone liked me and no one had any issues with me.I was friends with everyone too.I think I was one because my old primary school friends invited me too a party a couple months back for the super popular girls' birthday.It had been like 2 years since they had seen me and I was convinced they forgot about me.I was really happy when I got the invitation,I was home alone at the time and screamed "I HAVE FRIENDS!" at the top of my lungs.I almost cried.It was at the start of year 8 when I had fallen into a deep depression.My brain had convinced me fully that nobody gave a damn...it still does but I've just learnt to live with it.I do have my bad days but that party helped me a little bit,besides the fact I had to take off my jumper because I was dying of the heat so everyone sore the cuts up my arms,as much as I tried to hide them.I remember George Kirby saying some shit like "are you suicidal?" * says in gangsta voice* in front of everyone.He was laughing about it....to my face.It was lucky for him Amelia dragged me away because he would have got his ass handed to him with a slap around the face.I hate when people make jokes about depression and self harm.It makes me want to jump off a bridge while flipping them off because that's what I do best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss primary school.It was so much easier


	3. My exhausted brain

As I'm writing this it's a Thursday night and I'm sitting with a shit cup of tea and a splitting headache.Even with the tea sat in my favourite unicorn mug,it still manages to ruin my mood more.I currently have 4 bits of homework that my brain is to exhausted to start.Two of them,may I add,is for textiles and I have to put a lot of blood,sweat and tears into them for them to be ready to hand in the following Wednesday.I can't even bring myself to look at the four,orange post-it's that are stuck over half of Jin's face and some of J-hope's hair because I know it will make my exhausted brain feel worse.Let me tell you why by Friday evening I'm so exhausted in so many different ways I loose the will to live.

 

My normal school day starts with getting up at fuck knows what time from my nice,warm,safe bed by an alarm that I have grown to hate and going down stairs to have a disappointing breakfast,trying to dig all the sleep out of my eyes.I then read on my phone and try and drag out that time until I really do have to get ready.By this point it's 7:35 and I have to be at my bus stop by 7:50.I make my way up two flights of stairs,my brother shoving me into a wall on the way,and get into my annoying school uniform that gives me so many insecurities.I brush my hair for it to only go back to it's messy state as soon as I step outside my house.I say goodbye to my mum and sometimes my dad,depends what shift he is on,and walk down my street to my bus stop.Normal shit going down;the girls all talk in one group and I'm left alone with two new girls that can't speak English.After standing out in the cold for half an hour because the bus is late,It finally rocks up at 8:20 and we all pile on.I sit on my own on a single seat across from my friend.I listen to the only people that will make my day feel better.I get off the bus hella late and go to the last 5 minutes of mentor,starting my day.My lessons are full of yelling and frustrating work.I finally eat lunch to only be made feel like a fat pig after.Then I wait at school for half an hour after everyone goes home to get my bus after a long day of lessons,yelling and drama.The bus comes and I sit on my own in the same spot.I listen to the only people that might make me feel a little bit better after my exhausting day.I walk back home,most likely in the rain,and have a lukewarm shower.I sit at my desk half asleep and catch up with the work from the lessons I had today.Because I'm so emotionally tested by the day,I drag myself to bed at 8:30 after having the same dinner I've been having for the past 2 months.I toss and turn for 3 hours until finally I fall asleep at 10/11 o'clock.But I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat having forgotten the reason.I wake up at fuck knows what time and do it all again but everyday it gets worse and worse.With my brain on 1 hour of sleep by the end of it,I fall onto my bedroom floor and fall asleep there.My parents always say I have it easy.Imagine this;you walk into a place where you are constantly being judged and laughed at for everything,get torn down over and over by having shitty grades that you can't fix,Get yelled at by your 'best friend' for apparently snaking her out when it's all bullshit to them get 5 bits of homework shoved in your face.I know a lot of people will say "it's life deal with it!" I'm trying ok!It just hurts a fuck tonne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof


	4. Negativity gone

Just recently I let go of a really negative thing in my life.Let me tell you this I feel so much better.I can finally be mr around my friends without a certain someone ruining the fun.

 

This person was meant to be my best friend.I loved and cared for her very deeply but all she ever did was chat shit about me and my other friends and make fun of everything I said,did or wore.It infuriates me that I let her treat me like that for years.

 

One day,she crossed a line by saying something really personal about one of my closest friends.She didn't even know the whole story but she felt it was her place to say something.I was 100% done by the end of it.

 

Before you say anything I did not snake her out.I didn't have to because one day,when the shit talker wasn't in,me and my other friends had a real bonding time.

It turned out that shit talker had been saying nasty shit about me and my other friends to me and my other friends.It was a circle.

She would say something about another party to another party.She thought the whole group revolved around her and that we didn't talk to each other if she was away.

 

We confronted her.She didn't fight or apologise or admit.My friend said this to her: "you can walk away now and we wont chase you down.Bit if you walk away now,You will not be aloud to come back,"

 

 

But guess what,she came back and everyone is all buddy buds.But its different,its gone back to the way it was like in Year 7. "We can do whatever we want to her because she will never leave,she will still be our friend," 

 

The friend who confronted shit talker changed.I don't know what happened but people have actually asked "did you and her have a fight because the way she is speaking to you seems like you are just dirt to her,"

I didn't notice it at first but then I realised.I am stuck in her shadow I am the"shitty version" of her.Not lying,actual quote from a guy I use to be friends with.To me,our friendship turned into 'don't speak unless your spoken too' terms.

 

I cant talk to her,nooo don't be stupid,she has to talk to me first and then she will actually listen to what I say.

 

But the fact is,the way the two treat me i cant do anything about because no doubt they will turn against me and then I'll loose my other friends.

 

 

 

But I know that all of that was in my head and that she never saw me as a piece of dirt.People told me different,they told me that she didn't like me and wanted me dead.

 

I was her friend and I let my insecurities ruin that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this like 2 years ago and alot has changed since. I know now that the victim is not always inoccent.Lol follow me on insta @erin_art13


	5. What does that make me?

One simple act can change a person's life dramatically forever. Something like being in a car crash, losing a loved one, getting stabbed in the back or some sort of near-death experience.

 

But,What does that make me?I've been in a car crash thats made me hate being in a car.I cant be in one without my music or a person to talk too.

 

I have trust issues because I have trusted too many people with personal things,I have been used so many times that I cant count all of them on my fingers.You think I would learn by now but still too this day,I trust someone and they stab me in the back without a thought.

 

People look at me and see a person they can laugh at and not take seriously.Im not someone,Im something to them.A piece of dirt on their shoe or something they can throw away after they have got what they wanted like a tampon.

 

You would think after all this shit I get thrown at on a daily bases,I would be dead and gone,too broken to carry on.But I'm still living,Im still breathing.Sorry.Im a bit broken here and there like my phone screen.I have a few cuts and bruises but now I know i can survive the worst things in life.

 

But I still need my breakdowns to keep going, I need at least one day(or two)to cry it all out and continue on with life

 

Back the fuck up people who call me an attention whore or a faker.I'm sick of being labelled something I'm not.

 

You don't know me so you're not worth staying in the back of my mind, chanting your pathetic insults, every time I try to sleep at night.

 

 

 

 

*mic drop*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its short but i needed to get it out at the time


	6. Moving

I have moved twice this year already and both times have been difficult.The first time was in January.I had to pack up my room bit by bit.Now,i had never moved before in my life and a lot had happened in the tiny box room i use to have.My first proper kiss,my first same sex kiss,my first period,first boyfriend,first girlfriend.Pretty much my first everything but i hated the thought of someone buying my house and changing it.I found out two weeks after we moved out,the new people knocked down the wall that separated my room from my brother's to make one big room.It took me a while to get use to the fact that i didn't live there anymore.

 

Moving is stressful.My parents are on edge 24/7 and if you step one foot wrong WW3 comes flying at you.

 

Today,as i am writing this in the book i write in before i edit it and post it on wattpad,is my last sleep in the current bhouse i am renting.Ive seen my new room.Its smaller then the one i have now but it will be more grown up.

 

I like the new house.I get a separate living room to my parents and the shower has instant hot water.The kitchen is really big but it doesn't feel like home.I dont think any house will feel like home now.

 

Sorry this is short but i dont have anything more too say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of things running through my brain rn that i rly need to write down

**Author's Note:**

> Yes i know i need to update but im working on it!One of my new year resolutions is to write more soooo


End file.
